A Mother’s Success with Her Daughter’s Tantrums

I’ve been telling you that tantrums and emotional upsets with your child of any age can be resolved, and they are not a normal or necessary part of childhood.

I want to share a quick story about a mom whom I’ll call Mary, mother of two girls one a young teen and the other 6, to share with you what’s possible.

Mary and her husband struggled with their younger daughter’s frequent ‘screaming fits,’ which they reported, “could last for hours.” In addition, these emotional upsets occurred several times every day, whenever they had to tell their daughter, “No.”

As you can imagine, this affected the entire family on a daily, constant basis. Everyone, including the older daughter, tiptoed around this young girl, afraid of setting her off. They saw her as fragile and tried to keep her happy.

Mary was exhausted and distracted by the attention and time she gave to her youngest daughter, feeling she was neglecting her older daughter, and having frequent fights with her husband about their daughter’s tantrums.

Then there were the times she was at the end of her rope, when she became an angry, yelling, upset, out-of-control mom, which she always regretted afterward.

Her young daughter was creating chaos for everyone, and she knew she had to do something.

She came to me for coaching, clear that, “My girls need a better mom.”

After getting some coaching, Mary learned how to calmly and consistently respond to her daughter’s tantrums, to not be afraid or overwhelmed by them. Things began to change immediately. [Read more…]

How is Technology Affecting Your Child?

Parents often share with me their concern about their child’s frequent use of technology, their seeming ‘addiction’ to all things virtual – texting, video games, instant messaging, cell phones, game boys in addition to TV and movies.

Recently I came across an article about children and technology by child psychologist and author David Elkind of Tufts University. I’ve always had great respect, affinity and admiration for his ideas and teachings.

In his article, Elkind reflects on the many changes a child experiences because of our technological society…the focus on speed in making things happen, general cultural changes of feeling busier and more rushed to get things done.

Cell phones and IM that feed into the divide between children and their parents because they have easy and immediate access to friends 24 / 7.

Before the digital culture, there was a language and lore of childhood – games, songs, rhymes, stories passed down verbally from generation to generation. Remember “The Itsy, Bitsy Spider?” Now young people have access to information from all over the world with little need or time for such ‘silly games.’

One of the things that most concerns me is the loss of 8 – 12 hours per week of unstructured play and outdoor pastimes. Elkind reminds us “spontaneous play allows children to use their imagination, make and break rules, socialize with each other…nurtures their autonomy and originality.”

These are hugely essential developmental experiences and skills that naturally develop problem-solving skills, social skills, self-expression, deep connection to one’s self, and creativity. If we limit these in our children, we “dumb them down” as author-educator John Taylor Gatto would say, and advance a mindless lack of awareness of self, others, and the realities of life. [Read more…]

Are You Telling Your Child Too Much?

A mompreneur client of mine once shared with me this story about her 7-year-old daughter. She had just finished telling her daughter some info that she thought was important. She was trying to ‘teach’ her child an important idea to help her in life.

After she was finished, her daughter calmly looked at her and explained, “Mom, when you talk to me, all I hear is ‘blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.”

You might think, “Wow! What a disrespectful daughter…telling her mother something like this AND not even listening!”

Her mom and I heard something different in her daughter’s communication. She told her mom her experience when her mom started ‘teaching’ her and gave her mom valuable feedback about her communication with her daughter, something every mother can use.

Shortly after this, her mom and dad signed up for my Joyous Parenting Training because they realized they needed to learn how to talk so their daughter would listen. In fact, this feedback from her daughter helped my client understand how much her words were ‘missing’ her daughter, which was the opposite of what she wanted.

Many parents believe that telling their child what he should and shouldn’t do will convince their child to do what they say. They believe their words will change their child’s behavior.

Sometimes this is true; but in reality, words seldom affect or change a child’s behavior as her parents hope it will. Often what the child hears is, “blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.” [Read more…]