Today’s Generation of Children

You may wonder why your child doesn’t respond the same way you did as a child. She may be more willful or disrespectful, which causes you to wonder what kind of person she is to act this way. Today’s children aren’t the way you were when you grew up. Times have changed. Today’s children have their own ideas and are more independent. They want things the way they want them and they usually insist on having them now.

Children today can feel like a handful to their parents. These young people are powerful, capable, and internet-ready. They are less willing to do what they are told and have stronger opinions about things. They are also more sensitive to the emotional environment in which they live, which can result in behavior patterns that are frustrating and uncomfortable to themselves and their parents.

What used to be considered good parenting is no longer adequate to raise today’s children in our modern world. Children need a new approach from their parents if they are to flourish. They need for you to be stronger, clearer and more sensitive. They need for you to nurture their emotional wholeness so they can flourish and express their brilliant innate potential. In our rapidly changing times, they need a solid, loving, emotionally safe foundation with you.

One of the things I do in my Parenting with Joy Training is guide parents to be more aware of their child’s emotional wholeness and to make this a priority. This means making your child’s emotional well-being a higher priority than the orderliness of his room, the color of her hair or the clothes she wears, and his grades in school. When your child is emotionally whole, he will much more easily and naturally make wise choices in all of the areas of his life.

Think about it this way. When you feel joyous, confident and fulfilled in life, you do your best work and things go positively and easily. You have a lot more fun. When the opposite is true and you feel unhappy, confused or alone, things don’t go well. Everything seems hard, and simply getting up and making your bed can feel like a monumental task.

The same is true for your child. When she is flourishing emotionally, her natural brilliance radiates, and she is loving, creative and able to achieve what she desires. However, when she struggles with unhappiness, her health suffers. Her grades drop, emotional and behavior problems appear, and she is less motivated to participate fully in life.

Love Joyously!

Today’s children require a new style of parenting. You need to know how to allow freedom and self-expression while clearly setting limits that empower your child and not limit him. You need to be an insightful, aware guide and facilitator, not a disciplinarian. You need to be the best person you can be in order to be the best parent you can be.

Emotional wholeness is the powerful key that makes it all work. Emotional wholeness means being who you are, listening to yourself and doing what feels best to you. Emotional wholeness gives you and your child a strong sense of personal identity and confidence, the ability to feel deeply and live life with freedom, clarity, focus, joy and love of self and others. When your child is emotionally whole, he wants to get along with you and is emotionally connected with himself and with you.

When you make emotional wholeness a priority, you will notice amazing, wonderful things happen. Your child will express herself in ways you never imagined possible. She will be kinder and more cooperative, more motivated to achieve significant goals, and will make profound observations of discovery about herself and about life. I’ve had so many delighted clients tell me stories about the surprising new things their child did and said since making emotional wholeness a priority.

When you realize that emotional wholeness is the key to all of your child’s future success and happiness, the choice is really a simple one. You probably already know you want your child to be emotionally whole. Now it is a matter of making it a priority for your child and for yourself. Just imagine what a creative, joyous combination that will make!

Walk Means Walk

Yesterday morning at the ranch where we keep our horses I witnessed a scene I often see happen in interactions between horses and their owners and between adults and children. I heard a horse owner, whom I will call Judy, firmly tell her horse, “Walk! Walk!”

I think to myself, “What a great clear instruction she just gave!” I expected to look over and see her horse walking cooperatively and calmly beside her. Instead, Judy’s horse is 6 or 7 feet ahead of her, and Judy is tugging on the lead rope, trying to get her horse to stop.

I know you’re hanging on the edge of your seat wondering what happened next! Well, the horse calmly walked forward, leading Judy behind her! End of story!

What is the pattern that just got reinforced here? When Judy says, “Walk,” it means nothing and probably means, “keep walking.” In fact, Judy’s horse may extend this pattern further to include everything Judy says whether she’s leading or riding. Her horse will likely act as if almost anything Judy says means nothing It may even include instruction from all humans.

This is not an argument to be firm and tough with horses or children. Quite the contrary. My message here is to make sure you mean what you say, and be prepared to follow through with appropriate, clear, firm action if you are ignored. (If you want more information about this, go to my audio programs / CD’s about “Why Johnny Doesn’t Listen and What You Can Do about It” and “Create Win-Win Agreements with Children.”)

Often parents and educators tell children too many different things as they micro-manage their child’s every action. Neither the child nor the parent can follow through on everything, and parents are often not committed to what they say.

Training a horse and raising a child are very different activities. However, some principles apply to both, and this is one of them. When you are unclear where you stand as a person, you create confusion, frustration, and power struggles for yourself, your child, and your horse.

Be clear when you need to say, “no”, and be prepared to follow through with action.

PS. After writing this, I have decided to make an audio program / CD about “Setting Limits without Limiting.” I’ve been putting this off, and I want to make it soon. Watch my newsletter "Joy with Children" (subscribe) or this blog for the announcement of when it’s ready.

Enjoy the Nurturing Power of Nature!

There
are only a few weeks of vacation before school begins and about six weeks until
summer is officially over.
Make the most of your more flexible
schedule and the warm weather by spending time with your child in nature’s
beauty.

Nature
is one of the most empowering, centering experiences you can give your
child…and yourself.
It invites you and your child to slow down, to fill
your senses with tantalizing fragrances, sights, and smells. It gives you and
your child space to hear yourself more clearly and to re-connect with your
deepest inner truths.

Being
in nature with your child is a joy!
It is my favorite place to spend time with
my son Orion, both when he was a child during all of his growing-up years and
now as an adult. We’re surrounded by nature’s beauty and peacefulness, barriers
go down, and a more trusting connection naturally occurs between the two of us.

Important
things get talked about when you’re in nature with your child.
You have
heart-felt conversations you wouldn’t have sitting at the dinner table, in a
restaurant or in a theme park.

According
to Richard Louv, author of "Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children
from Nature-Deficit Disorder," compelling research confirms the power and
importance of nature in your child’s life.
Today’s children
spend dramatically less time in nature than previous generations, creating what
Louv and I believe are harmful, long-term effects in children, including
childhood obesity and ADD.

If
your child is like many, she spends a lot of time inside, often in front of a
screen or on the phone.
Perhaps your child is busy with her own
classes and activities on a daily basis, leaving little time for free play or
nature. Or your schedule is so full it’s hard to find time. You may be afraid
to let her play freely outside because of fear about what might happen.

Nature
is accessible to all of us and with a minimum of cost and effort, if you are
willing to create the time and the intention.
You can go to a
beach, lake, or river. Perhaps there is a nearby meadow you can explore, an
open space park, or even a small creek that runs through your town. Nature is
even in your front yard if you take the time to look.

Quality
time in nature is essential to your child’s healthy emotional and physical
development.

Give your child and yourself an empowering, nurturing retreat in nature soon!

Love
Joyously!

I
hope I’ve convinced you to make some time to be in nature with your child.
Here are some
guidelines on how to make the most of your time in nature.

  1. Take a deep breath, relax your mind and body, and be present in nature with all five of your senses. Soak up nature’s beauty.
  2. Let your child be your guide. She will discover beetles and beautiful rocks and interesting things in the water you might miss without her fresh perspective.
        
  3. Take off your parent hat and be a fellow human being, exploring, discovering, sharing. Be willing to be surprised.
        
  4. Be aware of your surroundings and trust that nature is a safe environment for your child. Let him experience this natural setting with a minimum of "No," "Be careful," and "Don’t do that."
  5. Enjoy and cherish every moment of this delightful time with your child. It is one of life’s most magnificent experiences.

Before you get home, plan your next outing
together.

Perhaps next time you’d like to invite a friend and share the awesome beauty of
our natural world with her.
 

Great Expectations: Are Yours Too Much?

Have you ever noticed the power of expectations in your life? At a recent workshop I presented about work-life balance, an educator raised her hand and observed, “We expect too much of ourselves. We think we can be and do everything, and we can’t.” Does this sound familiar to you?

Expectations can be seen from several perspectives. One is, “It’s good to have high expectations for yourself and others. It helps us be our best.” Another is, “A few expectations are important. Otherwise, we humans wouldn’t amount to anything.” Still another point of view is, “Expectations? Who needs them? I just want to be myself and have fun.” Which of these fits you?

I love referring to the dictionary to discover what it tells me about a concept I am exploring. Here are a couple of definitions for “expect”: 1) to anticipate the occurrence or coming of; 2) to consider as reasonable, due and justified. The second definition has pressure to perform in it while the first one feels more neutral.

Expectations of yourself and others in your life quickly become demands and standards one must meet. When you or the other person does not meet your expectation, your judgment of right and wrong, good and bad, should and should not, quickly kicks in, and now you’re upset and not feeling so happy. Now you have created a problem to fix.

Expectations can lead to frustration, anger, hurt or despair when they are not met. They cause discord and upset between people, and they have you feel bad about yourself when you don’t live up to your own expectations of yourself. With an expectation, you think you’re right because obviously any “sane” person would see the situation exactly as you do and would feel the same upset as you.

Not so. There are many ways of perceiving a situation, a person’s actions, your choices. It all depends on the perspective from which you are looking. Expectations are based on your opinions. There is no right or wrong here in our human experience. Your preferences and desires are what matter.

I like the word “anticipate” more than “expect.” In fact, my favorite definition for “anticipate” is “to look forward to, especially confidently or with pleasure.” Anticipation implies a positive expected outcome, not something that has to be met. When you anticipate something wonderful in yourself, in others, in life, you feel more joyous and life is fun.

Love Joyously!

Here are some ideas you can do to explore your own expectations.

  1. Become aware of your expectations of yourself and others. Observe your interactions with others and how you treat yourself. What can you learn about your expectations? Are your expectations helping or hindering you?
  2. Are your expectations working for you? For those around you? Are they creating joy and luscious self-indulgence or are they limiting you? Those you love?
  3. Sort out what matters most to you as the unique individual you are. Align your priorities and your choices with your highest values and let the rest go.
  4. Remember you are here to create a wonderful life for you. Focus on luscious experiences you desire for yourself and anticipate them coming. Now go out and have a glorious day!

Old-Time Parenting Advice

As Doug and I prepare for our trip to Moscow and Kyrgyzstan, we have been
reading a book about Peter the Great and life in tsarist Russia.
In this
book, there was a quote from the Domostroi, a collection of rules written in
the mid-1500’s for everyday life for merchants and nobles.

“Punish your son when he is young, and he will give you rest
in your old age and will bring contentment to your soul.
Do not weaken in
beating the lad; for if you beat him with a stick he will not die, but will
rather be healthier, since by beating his body you save his soul from death.”

Whew! This is intense. It is interesting to me to see
diverse philosophies about how to raise children.
Today, most people believe
this approach from the mid-1500’s is appalling and would never consider
treating children in this manner.

However, there are still people who believe hitting a child
will teach her right from wrong and to respect her authority figures.
They see
nothing inconsistent about hitting a child as a means to teach him not to hit.
Then they are intolerant of this child for being mean and hurtful toward others
even though that is how they treat their child. The other possibility is their
child will withdraw, have physical health concerns or develop emotional problems,
such as difficulty focusing or shyness.

Here are some modern-days quotes from people who believe hitting a child is a good idea. A man in Tennessee says, "Punish little children when they misbehave, not to the point of abuse, but warm their little bottoms up. That should be the only place you hit."

This from a woman in Ohio, "A little swat on the leg sometimes corrects dangerous behaviors. The law should understand the difference between abuse and discipline."

Lastly, from a man in Ohio, "I had a few slaps on the wrist growing up, which probably kep me out of trouble and on the path to becoming a physician."

Parents, educators and society need to question what causes
“inappropriate” or troublesome behavior in children.
These do not happen
because of a personality flaw in the child. What we do affects our children
greatly. For the emotional wellness of children and of our society, we must
remember this. We must take actions that empower our children, rather than beat
them down or limit them.

Where do you stand on this issue?