As promised, here are photos of my grandson Sebastian, His Royal Cuteness, on Halloween. He's the cutest Darth Vader I've ever seen!!
The Price of Too Much Authority
November 12, 2008 By Leave a Comment
“Downfall” is an intense,
historically-authentic film about Hitler’s last days in his Berlin bunker. It’s
based on the documentary Blind Spot: Hitler’s Secretary, in which the German
dictator’s stenographer, Traudl Junge, tells her story of these emotionally
intense days.
What most touched me about the film
is the price paid in human clarity, compassion, and free will when someone
takes on the role of The Authoritarian and others submissively follow. When
people around the world reflect back on the events in Nazi Germany, they often
feel confused and appalled that a bright, educated people could allow the
atrocities committed in their name.
This film makes it powerfully clear.
It’s all about too much authority. When children are taught to follow
instructions and to obey their elders, the people in authority in their life,
they stop thinking for themselves. They lose their autonomy and independence
and easily succumb to doing what they are told, even when it goes against their
own inner sense of right and wrong.
There are powerfully dramatic
moments in the film that demonstrate the disconnect people have from their own
emotional wholeness when they unthinkingly give up their power and seniority to
someone to has obviously lost touch with reality. People urgently clinging to
the hope that Hitler will find a way out. People carrying out his orders to
fight to the last man even when circumstances indicate it is hopeless.
Even more poignant were the
suicides, couples shooting each other, a mother poisoning her own children.
People partying and drinking as if everything were safe and normal.
All of these people were grown,
capable adults who continued their childhood pattern of doing what they were
told and not thinking for themselves.
For his part, Hitler was a
demanding, self-consumed little boy in an adult body who refused to accept the
downfall of his regime. He expected blind and total obedience, even after he
and his wife committed suicide together and left his closest followers and the
people of Germany to fend for themselves as Russian troops took over Berlin. He
was blinded by his own need to win and control.
The message to parents and educators
is to be aware and cautious of the obedience you seek to extract from your
children and students. No one wins in a scenario of authoritarianism and
control by adults.
Naturally, parental and educator over-use of power seldom results in such extreme actions by young people; however, the cost to children and their caregiver are still high. Children’s natural brilliance and self-confidence is
diminished. Their ability to think for themselves and be true to themselves is
compromised. Plus you place yourself in the position of leader without always
knowing what you’re doing and where you’re going.
I highly recommend this movie “Downfall.”
There are a few vivid scenes, which can turn your stomach, yet it’s really
worth watching when you study what’s happening psychologically and the
emotional damage caused by too much authority based on fear. This movie is not
for children or the faint of heart.
Failure to Launch
October 12, 2008 By Leave a Comment
The movie Failure to Launch is very funny and entertaining. Matthew McConaughey and Sarah
Jessica Parker star in a story about a thirty-something man who lives at home
with his parents. Sarah is hired by his parents to get him to move out of the
family home.
This movie
addresses an increasingly prevalent phenomenon of young people moving back in
with their parents after college or never moving out at all. One of the special
features with the DVD is a collage of interviews with grown men who still live
at home and their parents as well as authors in the field.
The argument
presented by the men and their parents for living together is they love each
other and it makes practical financial sense. I totally understand this
perspective.
The thing
that concerned me, however, was the dependence and lack of autonomy and
personal freedom that both parents and children experienced in their
relationship with one another. All the men said they’d like to move out some
day and yet emotionally seemed unable to do so.
As I
listened to the parents talk, they want their sons at home to meet their
emotional, not the needs of their sons. Their sons needed to be empowered and
their emotional wholeness nurtured.
The foundation
of this kind of limiting relationship between parents and their children begins
when children are young. The pattern simply continues into adulthood. We see
more of these in modern times because of current parenting beliefs and
practices in our culture.
The only way
this kind of living situation can truly work and be emotionally healthy for
both parents and children is that each person has complete autonomy to be who
they are. The only agreements and expectations are based on sharing the
day-to-day necessities of living.
It is not
emotionally healthy or empowering to anyone when parents continue taking care
of their children in ways they can do for themselves. Then children struggle to
develop the skills they need to take care of themselves and fail to launch.
The Sweetest Salad
October 10, 2008 By Leave a Comment
Imagine this scene in your mind.
Doug and I are finishing our dinner. One-year-old grandson Sebastian, aka His
Royal Cuteness, asks me to hold him as I am finishing my salad. So here I sit
with salad bowl in my left hand, Sebastian on my lap, and fork in my right
hand.
I pause from eating and give him my fork to experiment with. He pokes around in
the few remaining pieces of lettuce, cabbage and avocado, exploring this new
tool. Unexpectedly, he lays down the fork, reaches into my salad bowl, grabs a
few pieces of salad, looks sweetly into my eyes, and reaches up to feed me!
He continues putting salad pieces into my mouth, sometimes a few pieces at a
time and sometimes a single tiny morsel, feeding me the same way he feeds
himself…fingers into my mouth first, followed my a firm push with the palm of his
hand. Lemon juice covered much of my face, and lettuce pieces lay on the floor aruond
us.
This may have been the messiest
salad I ever ate, but no salad was ever sweeter. I will always treasure these
tender, precious moments with Sebastian and the innocence in his beingness.
No matter their age, children
bless us daily with memories to last a life time. Make these moments count—for
you and your child. What special moment have you shared with your child today?
Nuture Your Child’s Emotional Wholeness in School
October 8, 2008 By Leave a Comment
Because your child spends many of his waking hours in school and in school-related activities, time spent in school plays a big part in his life and significantly impacts his development as a person. He probably spends more time at school than he does with you. Because of this, it is important you use the time you have with him to the maximum benefit and focus your attention on nurturing his emotional wholeness.
A child’s participation in school is often as stressful for parents as it is for children. Parents feel pressured to meet the school’s expectations to follow through on their child’s homework and behavior at home. They feel pressured to make sure their child’s homework is done well to the best of her ability or to make sure her behavior conforms to the school’s standards of appropriate conduct.
This added pressure on you and your child affects both your child’s and your emotional well-being throughout the day. It also dramatically impacts your relationship with him. The increased tension carries over into other areas of your life together. Your precious time together may not be as much fun or loving as you’d both like it to be.
You may be like other parents who frequently feel frustrated with their child’s academic motivation and achievement. You try to help her get her work done, even if it means you do the work yourself. Or you may simply stand over her every night after school, making sure her work is done and up to the standards of which you feel she is capable. All of this often results in parents and children raising their voices at one another in frustration.
These painful interactions and stress are not good for you or for your child. Your child needs to feel loved and connected to you, no matter what he does in school. Your loving connection with your child is also very important to you. Harsh words spoken in anger can ruin your day. Only to come home and begin the whole cycle again.
Here are five tips on how to make the best of the time you have together. All of these help your child succeed in school.
• Make your emotional connection with your child your highest priority. Nothing matters more…not grades, not a messy notebook, not homework. Your effectiveness as a parent and your child’s sense of well-being in life depends on this. Your child needs to trust you and feel loved and appreciated by you.
• Pay attention to how your child is doing emotionally. Usually we pay attention to how our child is doing academically and socially. However, your child’s emotional wholeness is the foundation for both his academic and social success. Is he happy and enjoying his time in school? Does he love to go to school? Be sure to explore what’s working and what’s not working during those hours he is not with you.
• Listen to what your child tells you with an open heart and an open mind. Her experience of school or of a particular situation is her experience. Even though you may perceive the situation differently, try to see the situation through her eyes.
• Be willing to think outside the box. Not all children learn in the same way. Math may not be your child’s interest or strength, but this does not mean he cannot create a meaningful, satisfying life for himself, both now or in the future. If you have concerns, don’t assume the problem is your child. Children learn in many different ways.
• Take action to improve challenging situations at school, even ones that seem to be inconsequential or temporary. When you or your child is struggling emotionally, it is never inconsequential and seldom temporary. Get help from someone outside the school who can observe your child and the situation from all perspectives.
Make your relationship with your child the best it can be, no matter what happens in school. You may believe that your child’s academic success and behavior in school is your highest priority. What I’ve seen is that it’s her emotional wholeness and the quality of the emotional connection she has with you that makes all the difference. Use your power and influence to make a positive differnce in your child’s life.
Just a little bit about me -- I'm a coach for parents, visionary guide, insightful trainer, and powerful consultant.