As I've been watching my 18-month-old grandson Sebastian, I marvel at his
observation skills of the people around him. Here are a couple of examples.

Sebastian
is mastering the art of opening and closing doors, which he finds quite
fascinating. I noticed that when he closes the door behind him, he reaches his
hand back through the door to the door knob. When I mentioned this to Nichola,
my daughter-in-heart, she said that’s what she does to lock the door when she
pulls the door closed as she leaves the house.

Another
story. Blueberries are one of Sebastian’s favorite foods, and he can just about
clean you out of them. One evening my wonderful husband Doug was giving
Sebastian blueberries. He washed them and then shook his hand a couple of times
to shake off the water. So what did Sebastian do when Doug handed him the
blueberries? Shook them a time or two!

I
can’t resist telling you a third story to drive home the point. Doug and our
son Orion, Sebastian’s daddy, were lifting and planting two large trees in 24’
boxes in our yard. They were both wearing leather gloves to protect their
hands. Sebastian watched them very carefully, but didn’t show much interest in
the trees after that. About 10 minutes later, I happened to hand him the
gloves, which I had been holding. He confidently took the gloves, tried to put
them on his hands, and walked over to the nearest tree, ready to go to work.

Your
child watches everything about you, even the most seemingly unimportant
details. She watches not only your actions. She also watches your facial and
hand expressions, your tone of voice, your feelings, your way of interacting
with people, the choices you make, the lies or truth you tell. You got it—EVERYTHING!!

So,
as one of the people he spends the most time with, especially when he’s young,
you are hugely influential and have a big impact on his life, who he is and who
he becomes.

Are
you being the person you want your child to watch?

 

11-year-old Vitus, in the
coming-of-age movie of the same name, is a child prodigy who listens to his own
inner drummer. Played by Teo Gheorghiu, Vitus,
an amazing talented classical pianist, yearns for a life that he loves. A life
that brings him joy and fulfillment.

Along the way, he encounters obstacles
and resistance from both his parents and his teachers. He struggles to have his
life the way he wants. His biggest ally is his grandfather, who loves and
accepts Vitus on his own terms.

I loved this movie, and I think you
will, too. It explores what our children most need from us and how we can get
ourselves out of their way.

Every parent
struggles with setting boundaries with their child. It's often unclear
where to draw the line and set your boundary. You don't want to break
your child's spirit, but some things just have to be done whether your
child likes it or not.

You wonder if
you are being too inflexible and controlling or are you spoiling your
child by letting her walk all over you? Plus there are the seemingly
inevitable power struggles where you each attempt to gain the upper
hand, which makes parenting a battle of wills. You want to be close and
connected to your child, not a full-time disciplinarian.

Conflict and
effort is not why most people decide to become parents. You became a
parent to have the joy of loving your child and sharing fun moments
with him. You looked forward to days of enjoyment and play together.

During this
last weekend, I read a Tweet from a mom that read, "deciding if i am a
fantastically creative or fantastically stupid mom to let kids play
with huge box of Christmas wrappings."  

I'm sure you've
found yourself in a similar situation, trying once again to decide
where to set your boundary with your child. She discovers something new
and fascinating that she wants to explore right now.  You're not so
sure it's a good idea. He could make a mess. She might get hurt. You
know it looks like fun, and you don't have time for this.

How can you decide whether to say "Yes." Here are some guidelines to help you sort it out.

•  Remember the only person who can make this choice is you.
  There is no right or wrong answer. Your child needs for you to say
  "yes" to her in as many ways as you can. And she needs for you to be
  clear with yourself and with her when you need to set a boundary. Your
  child needs the freedom to be himself, and he needs boundaries to feel
  grounded, connected and safe. You have to listen to yourself for the
  answer.  A book or even a close friend cannot answer it for you.

• Take a chance. This mom wonders if she's fantastically
  creative or fantastically stupid. One way to discover the answer to
  this question is to give it try. Explore ways of saying "yes" that work
  for your child and for you. Try something new and see how your child
  responds. How does it feel to you? When you explore new possibilities,
  you gain more clarity for the future. If you don't explore and take
  risks, you'll never know what the outcome might be.
• Allow time for change to occur. Your child's nor your behavior will seldom dramatically alter over night. 

• Explore those times when you feel the need to control your child's behavior. What's
  really happening? Are you on auto-pilot or are you objectively
  considering the situation? How can you stretch your ability to try
  something new?

• Take good care of yourself. When you expend your energy
  to manage your child's or your students' behavior, you have little left
  for yourself. When you nurture your own emotional wholeness, you
  empower yourself to more honestly and lovingly nurture your child.