This is Not Cute!

~ Personal note from Connie

I hope you and your family are doing wonderfully! On Monday Doug and I trailered our horses to Sam McDonald County Park, my favorite place to ride. It was a warm, sunny day, perfect for a ride. One of our favorite trails goes down the ridge through lush vegetation, a pause for lunch, then a couple of stream crossings where our horses pause to drink.

Soon we are loping through the redwoods, surrounded by them. My hair is flying, the air is clear and sweet, and I am in bliss. I know of nothing I love more. Such freedom and joy!

We come back up the ridge, riding a single track trail and loping much of the way. My mare Destiny loves to run! She takes off for one final push to the top (She knew this was the final rise!).

We come thundering into the clearing at the top, and there maybe 50 feet in front of us, is a gorgeous mountain lion – yes, a mountain lion! – slinking off into the brush at the edge of the clearing. Destiny is so full of joy and perhaps she senses the cat’s fear that she acts as if it were nothing. As we walk away, Echo looks behind us. He noticed!

An exciting end to a breath-taking, joyous ride!

Happy trails!

To your Joyous Family!
Connie

~ LAST CALL! Do You Have a Copy of my Book?

If you do, you are invited to attend in my F.REE Q & A Teleclass happening next Monday, September 17.

It doesn’t matter when or how you got it – a gift, part of a program you took with me in the past, a purchase two years ago. As long as you have a copy of my book, you are invited.

You must register to participate. Register by going here.

~ New article: This is NOT Cute!

I saw this photo shared on Facebook with comments like “This is cute. Good reminder”, and within seconds, I am furious! This approach to helping children be more conscious, kind people is so limiting to them and to us, and I’m sure the people who put this together care deeply about children.

Yet we must ask deeper questions and be aware of the long-term effects of our approaches to raising and educating our children.

The kind of message taught on this poster tries to teach intellectual ideals – someone’s should’s – to the child, which lessens her natural consciousness and awareness as she tries to be what we want her to be. It puts children in their head and not their heart, their best source of wise inner guidance.

Sadly, this is one more example of adults misunderstanding how to bring out the best in children. It’s an approach we have known since we were raised as children, and we think, “How wonderful! Now children will know the ‘right’ way to behave!”

It never works the way we want. It is one more piece of information trying to make children be the way WE think they should be and that, in reality, takes them away from their natural inner knowing and desire to connect lovingly with others. It becomes one more ‘should’ for our children, and we all know how wonderful ‘should’s’ are.

If we want children to be kind and gracious toward others in their interactions, then we must closely examine our actions toward them and treat them with kindness and graciousness. It’s an every day moment-to-moment way of being, not a moment of teaching.

When we relate with them with a desire to control and to get them to be who WE want them to be, we are not being kind, gracious and considerate of them.

Then children lose their natural kindness and graciousness toward others. They begin to listen to us, to model us, and to act based on their thoughts and not their heart. They lose their spontaneity, their authenticity, their joy.

Children are not cute little playthings we can mold into our desires. Each young person is an amazing being with his / her own talents, desires, and dreams. If we want young people to be their best, we must create an emotionally healthy environment that empowers them from the inside out and not continue trying to get them to conform to our standards and ideals.

Here’s to freedom, joy, love and full self-expression for us all! When we give this to our children, we give it to ourselves!

The Most Important Parenting Question

I have a new video for you today that has the power to “rock your world” as my friend Isabel likes to say and in a profoundly positive way.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed with all the things you need to pay attention to as a parent?

Do you ever wonder if you are on the right track as a parent or if there is something more your child needs and wants to develop fully, to be happy, self-confident and self-reliant?

Today’s video will help you cut through all the chatter and conflicting parenting ideas out there. This is the parenting question that is intrinsic to all other parenting questions. It underlies all parenting decisions you make.

Enjoy!

Let me know what you think, and if you like this video, please tell others!

Another School Shooting…Are You Paying Attention?

Recently in Ohio, another tragic high school shooting occurred, and the unhappy, struggling 17-year-old who did the killing will likely be tried as an adult. So many young lives cut short including the shooter’s. Everyone is in pain. An entire community feels the loss.

Prosecutors tend to demonize the perpetrators of school shootings in the mistaken belief that these are “bad” kids and that punishing this young person will prevent further shootings. The rationale is the perpetrator committed an adult act and so he must pay as an adult. But who made the gun available to him and modeled using it?

We talk about holding these young people accountable for their actions, but who is going to hold accountable his peers who rejected him, the school officials who created an emotionally painful environment and who neglected to recognize this young man’s struggle and to do something effective about it? Where was his family? Who is going to hold these people accountable for their part?

Most school professionals sincerely try to do their best for the young people in their care. Yet they are also pressured by the hierarchy above them and an educational system based on conformity, not nurturing the emotional needs of children.

Young people who commit these acts struggle painfully with confusing emotions and problems, because of which they can see no other way to resolve their distress. They feel out of control emotionally and disconnected with their family, teachers and peers.

A little known fact is that most school shooters were on anti-depressant drugs, which have a documented history of producing violent and aggressive acts. Will we ever know if T J was taking prescribed psychiatric medication?

If we are to end these violent acts, we must look through the eyes of the perpetrator, beyond punishing him, and explore and discover effective ways to prevent and heal children’s emotional pain.

Looking deeper, the young people who commit violent acts reflect the emotional distress, loneliness, and pressure all students experience in our schools, whether they are academically and socially successful or not. School is a high-pressure institution for our young people, one that isolates them from their peers, their parents and teachers and that demands they conform to the expected standards of achievement.

Even the so-called successful ones who appear to be okay on the surface feel the same things, sometimes more so because more is expected of them. Young people who commit violent acts against others and themselves are like the canary in the mine, indicators of what is happening for all.

Our Western culture values academic, professional, and financial success as our highest measure of accomplishment, even at the price of our inner happiness and peace and loving connection with the precious people in our lives.

Today, as you interact with your child, look to see how he is doing emotionally before you make demands on him.

Is she relaxed and happy?

Has he had a good day and is he sharing it with you?

Is there something else she needs right now – perhaps from you – more than to complete her homework? Does he need some down time by himself to regroup?

The opportunity to learn academic information will always be there. This moment for your child and with your child will never come again. Make it one that nurtures you both!

What are you going to do differently today? I’d love for you to share it with me and other readers by commenting below.

Children Learn Best with ‘Real Toys’

Do you ever feel swamped in plastic toys that have a way of multiplying when you turn your back?

Then they hold your child’s attention only moments until he is on to the next thing?

Most children have too many toys in general; and most of these toys do not encourage or support children’s optimum play.

Webster defines a ‘toy’ as “an object, often a small representation of something familiar for children to play with; a plaything.” I find this definition somewhat limiting, especially when the definition of ‘play’ is “an activity engaged in for recreation, as by children.”

Children do have fun playing; however, for them it is more than simple recreation. Play is serious business for them.

Play is the way children learn, which means children love and enjoy learning. This is their natural state, a perpetual state of exploring, experimenting, and discovering, and learning. They LOVE it!!

(This is important to remember when we see what happens to children’s love of learning when they participate in most educational programs. I wrote more about this in a recent post How Children Learn Best) http://www.joyousfamilyliving.com/children/how-children-learn-best/

Because play is essential to their optimal development, it is important to provide learning environments that nurtures your child’s full potential to learn. This is where ‘real toys’ come in.

Real toys are real-life objects, such as measuring spoons and cups, lids, jars, rocks, bungee cords. Often the seemingly mundane of objects of life hold great fascination for them.

Older children love much the same materials. What’s different is the complexity and skill with which they use them.

If you observe your child when he is playing, you’ll discover the skills he is developing that motivate him to keep learning.

One of Bas’s favorite activities is collecting things from my desk and seeing what he can create with them. These include my stapler and staple puller, scratch paper, 3 by 5 cards, scissors, tape, pens, markers.

Last week in our backyard, he balanced bricks on a piece of wood, then used it as a lever, then used what he’d made to build a house for Mouse-Mouse. (I’m not sure where he got this name.)

Fifteen minutes later, he’s in another section of our backyard and using redwood needles to build a castle, which he promptly destroyed. Then he decided to build a bridge across a narrow rut using a redwood twig and discovered that it was too short to span the distance.

Then he hunted around and found a couple of longer sticks. Woo-la! He built two bridges!

And so it goes from one exploration – creation to the next and not a single plastic ‘toy’ touched!

Children love real objects. They love materials they can manipulate and which they can use in diverse ways.

Traditional toys, plastic toys, often lack options for creativity and self-expression. They have limited function and learning potential to your child. Once she masters whatever learning is in the toy, she loses interest.

Once you realize your child uses toys for discovery and self-expression, you’ll easily understand your child’s limited attention to these toys.

So next time you consider buying your child something from the toy store, no matter how cute, colorful, or invitingly displayed, take a moment and consider it’s learning and self-expression potential for your child. Many buttons that make different sounds has little potential for either learning or self-expression for your child.

Invest wisely in few toys that give your child hours of exploring and discovery, and remember every-day objects provide optimal learning and self-expression for your child. You can put your wallet away!

While you’re at it, tell your family and friends what you toys you want for your child, especially during the holidays and for his birthday.

Please share with me and other parents what ‘real toys’ your child loves best. What is a toy you purchased for her that enjoyed for a long time? What did she lose interest in quickly?

The Passing of a Leading Light for Children and Parents

Some of you may know of her or have read her book. Some of you will never have heard of her.

I discovered Jean Liedloff, author of The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost, shortly after my son Orion was born 35 years ago. Her book profoundly impacted me because she confirmed and validated what I already envisioned as a parent.

She inspired me and gave me the courage to continue on the path I had begun. For this, I am deeply appreciative.

For two years as a young woman, Jean lived with Stone Age Indians in the South American rainforest. At first judgmental of their seemingly primitive and inadequate parenting, she discovered a new view of what human nature really is and what our children most need from us. She realized the limitations of our Western, ‘civilized’ ways of parenting.

Here is a must-see video that will most-likely challenge what you believe to be true as a parent and give you profound new insights in perceiving your child. Even if you are the parent of a teen or an adult child, you can learn a lot from this wise woman of our time.

The video is 53 minutes, and it is worth every second. Don’t let this go by! Create a time this weekend to watch it all. Share it with your partner. Let it make a difference in your life!

Watch the video here.

Enjoy!